王维
中歲頗好道， 晚家南山陲。
興來美獨往， 勝事空自知。
行到水窮處， 坐看雲起時。
偶然值林叟， 談笑無還期。

Heartless City Reflection

So this new JTBC drama called "Heartless City/Cruel City" started about a month ago and 10 episodes should be out by tonight.
I picked it up yesterday and it.is.good. (I'm only on ep 4)
Didn't think that I'd be into these kinds of dark stories (I couldn't finish "The man from Nowhere", too scary) but this one totally has me hooked.

So I finished ep 3 and all i can say is

'WHY THE FRICK DID THEY KILL THE PERSON WHO I THOUGHT WAS THE MAIN PROTAGONIST (okay i lie, i knew she was gonna die but i didn't know when and how) AND WHAT KIND OF CRUEL WAY TO DIE, GEEZES. THEN YOU GO AND MAKE IT WORSE TO TELL HER BF THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT. PREGNANT MY GOD. HOW IRRELEVANT TO THE STORY WAS THAT, IT HAD NO IMPORTANCE EXCEPT FOR MAKING THE SITUATION EVEN CRAPPIER OMG. THEN THE PHONE THAT SHE GIFTS HER BFF, OMG WHAT KIND OF PERSON WRITES THIS KIND OF STORIES.'

geezes, its like, "her dying and her bf getting shot isn't enough, we gotta find a way to HURT everyone around her and extend her presence even longer"

my god.

well JTBC, you do have me hooked. But if you pull any of this double whammy thing again, one angry viewer will be screaming at the screen again.

I will forgive you for ALMOST, AL-FKING-MOST raping Soo Min, that was a despicable move mister writer but she got away because she's a trooper but still.

anyways, back to ep 4

“We waste so many days waiting for weekend. So many nights wanting morning. Our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life.”

It seems like one of those things that articles frequently remind you of, but one always scoffs it aside as if they knew already. That future them would be able to accomplish such simple task when the situation arose. The future them was perfect, responsible, righteous. 

That is never the case, at least never for myself.
I am always anticipating the future, waiting for whatever event I'm experiencing to be over. But when I do get there ... I again find myself waiting for that event to finish as I find myself yearning for the next event of my life. This yearning, I'm not sure if it's the hardship that I am unable to handle or the regret I hold as I know "its too late and I'm too unworthy to be able to turn the situation around in my favor". I never leave myself a back road out, thus I frequently spend time dangling from the cliff edge and wasting my time.

So I watch my life go by, moments pass, glances missed, backs turned and then I became an adult. But I still had the mindset and the experience of a 16 year old baby. I was stuck in my own world and not ready for reality. Lacking the knowledge, experience, practice and exposure. A true spoiled member  of the 21st century generation Y.

I wasn't planning on going this way ... not sure what happened, but either way. I know I can't blame anyone but myself for my situation but ... that is life.

有可能我現在就像念未來要碰到的你？

It's a silly thought really, as I find myself nowadays wishing and dreaming for someone who I haven't and am not entirely certain I will ever get to meet.
It's really quite selfish of me, to not yearn for the past but for the future where my naive self still believes that I will be the perfect me and have a desirable outcome aka meeting mister burfriend.
A burfriend you ask? Well, silly enough, I spent this year's birthday wishing that I could and will meet him in the future. I didn't wish for him now because I have an insidious thought that if I did meet him ... we would end up passing right by each other similar to those infamous movie scenes. That it would not be fated. But more importantly, I'm not ready. Not ready for that kind of commitment, not ready for that kind of responsibility.

When I do meet him, it'd be funny (to me at least) if I tear up and said something like
"I've been waiting for you since forever, where have you been all this time?"
as the camera zooms out to show a gorgeous view (right now it looks like a crowded street with a fountain backdrop but I've shamelessly borrowed this from some Korean drama) and then doubles back to show his face and his eyes kindly comforting me as if to say
"I know, sorry I'm late, but I'm here now."
He'd hold my hand and that touch would be a guarantee that he did indeed understand, not the simple lovestruck 14 words I uttered, but 59 letters of fear I held in my heart since I was 20 that he wouldn't come and settle for someone better or worse.

....to be continued.

HAHAHHAA (I'm laughing cuz I'm being cheesy. I'm never cheesy)

"Friends"

What does that word mean? Friends. What allows someone to fall into that category?
Merriam-Webster says that it's "A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection". 
Wtf is this mutual affection. How the hell do you measure mutual affection. Must you both have the same level of mutual affection to be friends?

I have a sinking feeling that this probably means that I have no friends. Why? Because I'm such a fluid and ever changing emotional person. 
I could love someone one day but sincerely hate their guts the next day because of something they did/said.
Actually, I find myself ... disliking someone as I get to know them. Their, I guess, flaws and personality comes out slowly and I .... am unable to accept it? Or it bothers me... to be more accurate. Actually, I've realized that everyone hides a dark and ugly secret within them, one that you can only see a glimpse of if they accidentally let slip for that brief half-a second. A secret that is veiled in ugly envy and laced with hatred or disdain. Salted with competitiveness and drenched in "why you and not me". 

That is the ugly secret that we mortals carry. That is the ugly secret poisoning our society.

Haha, wtf am I saying. Who am I to say any of this. I am in no position to rant on and on as if I myself were a perfect person or "friend". Since I'm clearly not. I would rank myself the dullest and awkwardest person ever to set foot in this skin. 

Maybe it's me. Who am I kidding, I never doubted that it WASN'T me before. What the hell is wrong with me. How does a person really fail in all of these categories of life. Whether it be social, academic, personal. I have taken first place in gracefully failing at it all. And lets not go there today as to the how.

I have long before pitied and sided with the second lead in those kdramas. Because I have at some points felt her pain and I guess I can understand why she did what she did. I'm not saying that I would ever do some of the stuff some second leads have done. But I've thought about it, which is (in my books) the same as doing it. 

When I was younger ... I wanted to befriend the whole world. I tried ... I tried befriending the stranger beside me during every volunteer or activity I joined. Needless to say, I rarely ended up with a best-friend at the end of the day. So I guess I stopped trying. I realized that making a friend was really more of a two way street. It was a push and pull kind of thing. It won't work unless both participants are willing to put in some effort. And in all those situations in the past, I was the only one tugging on that empty string. 

Even now ... I question this silly "friends" thing. I am probably the most non-bipolar but bipolar, unlikable, unattractive, uninteresting, unworthy person in the world. I guess I have answered my own question.

What is the point in continuing .... 






  

没用的混蛋

That is how I feel. This is the definition of me at this moment.
我是一個没用的混蛋 。　
I am really surprised at how f"cking dumb I am. It's as if there is nothing in this pretty head of mine. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's just that now for once, I can't ride on my luck anymore to get me through life's uphills.
I guess I finally ran out of lucky charms to throw in front of me to walk over that pothole. Now I need to 靠自己 to find solutions for my problems. 

I guess today is worse than yesterday. Because with that thought .. today .. I feel like a screw up, I feel incompetent, stupid, awkward, unlikable, I feel like 則個命不知的我浪費。
Like I want to run run and run away from all of this and then run some more until the lactic acid have build up so much in my muscles that I can't move anymore.
It's this feeling where I'm so so so ashamed of myself, my actions and I guess pretty much who I am. I want to change ... I guess but tbh I have no hope for myself anymore. I've really screwed up in every part of my life.

F'ck it I'm done I'm done. I don't want to live anymore... but with that in mind, I don't mean that I necessarily want to die. 

Somewhere someone once said that "If you don't love yourself, how the heck will everyone else love you" ? They have a point. If you don't respect yourself, how the f"ck do you expect anyone else to give you respect? I guess it works for everything. If you don't think of it onto yourself ... then it won't be reflected outwards.


自尊心 ... I want that. But I'm such an unstable and emotional person that it would really depend. I have my high points and I love those, but my low points always follows. Then they make me question ... all my actions.

I guess the most important thing is that I need to learn, learn, learn, from .. my mistakes and try to not make them again. To banish them from my personality. 

ugh, 我恨則個我。。。　

倉央嘉措《十誡詩》

第一最好不相見，如此便可不相戀。
第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。
第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠。
第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相憶。
第五最好不相愛，如此便可不相棄。
第六最好不相對，如此便可不相會。
第七最好不相誤，如此便可不相負。
第八最好不相許，如此便可不相續。
第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎。
第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚。
但曾相見便相知，相見何如不見時。
安得與君相訣絕，免教生死作相思。


A beautiful quote on 步步惊心 which I cannot actually read, LOL.